by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
I was drawn to this book because it aligns with my own personal philosophy which is best summaries in a statement I made in a recent coaching call I recorded with a client (who shall remain anonymous) …
“There is a balance of challenge and support in everything you do in life, so no matter what you do, or what you say, some people will like it and some people will not like it, that is how the universe is wired! So, you may as well be your authentic self and stand in the truth of who you are, regardless of how difficult or easy this is in any given situation, providing you with the greatest foundations to love yourself and others unconditionally, instead of wasting energy concerned about what others may or may not think of you!”
The Japanese authors of this book Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga create a scene for the entire book which comprises a series of conversations between an ‘Adlerian psychotherapist’ and a troubled young man who challenges the foundational elements of Adlerian philosophy.
‘Adlerian philosophy and psychotherapy’ is based on the teachings of Alfred Adler an Austrian psychotherapist who was born in 1870 and had an extraordinary mind when it came to philosophy and psychology.
Many people who have heard of historical icons such as Carl Jung, Abraham Maslow and Milton Ericson may not have heard of Alfred Adler, yet these aforementioned icons and many others would not only have heard of Adler, but were significantly influenced by his teachings.
Unlike some to the great icons he taught and influenced Adler was not a prolific writer, he was more of a ‘hands-on, in person teacher’ and we know more about him from the writings of his students than we do from his own writings.
What I personally also love about Adler is his understanding of a subject close to my heart whose roots are found in ancient Greece and that is Teleology … the study of purpose!
As well Adler’s understanding of Teleology his central philosophy is that all psychological problems are caused by interpersonal relationships!
The story told in his book by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is essentially a “Manifesto for Inner Freedom”
‘Adlerian philosophy’ is NOT about you WANTING to be disliked, indeed in most humans we have a very strong innate desire to be liked, it is about being as comfortable as you can be about the inevitable reality that some people will always dislike you in any given situation. And you should not take it personally and be as comfortable as possible with this reality.
In addition to the philosophy covered in this book of ‘Being as comfortable as possible being disliked’ my personal “Manifesto for Inner Freedom” (not covered in this book) includes “becoming as comfortable as possible with my own inevitable death”!
Freedom from the fear of physical death is the greatest form of freedom that exists, however freedom from the fear of being disliked is only second to this and allows you much greater levels of authenticity and fulfilment.
The Dialogue of Discovery
The book unfolds as a Socratic dialogue between a young man — restless, defensive, filled with questions — and a philosopher who embodies calm clarity. Through their exchanges, the authors unpack Adlerian psychology: a school of thought that places the individual’s freedom and responsibility at the centre of human happiness.
At first glance, the format seems simple, but it’s deceptively profound. The dialogue mimics our own inner struggle: the Youth represents the anxious ego that fears judgment; the Philosopher represents the wiser self that already knows — but that we so often silence. Reading it feels like listening to the conversation between your wounded self and your free self. And as the chapters progress, you begin to notice which one inside you is growing louder.
Freedom Is the Willingness to Be Misunderstood
The book’s central thesis is “To be free is to be willing to be disliked by others.”
It’s a line that should be underlined, framed, and lived. Most of us are conditioned — almost programmed — to seek approval. We post, we perform, we conform. But every act of self-betrayal begins with the decision to be liked rather than to be true.
The philosopher reminds the youth (and the reader) that the opinions of others are beyond our control — they belong to *their tasks*, not ours. Our task is only to live in accordance with our chosen values, our sense of good. This separation of tasks — a core Adlerian principle — is liberating. It tells us: your peace does not depend on their applause.
For someone like me, who already believes in walking one’s own path even at the risk of disapproval, this felt less like instruction and more like affirmation. Yet it was still profound, because it provided a language for something I had long felt intuitively. It helped me see that the courage to be disliked is not rebellion — it is serenity. It is the quiet confidence of knowing that alignment matters more than admiration.
The Past Is Not the Prison
Another concept that resonated deeply is the idea that *we are not determined by our past, but by the meaning we assign to it.*
In Adlerian thought, the past is not a chain but a story — and stories can be rewritten. Kishimi and Koga dismantle the deterministic narratives we often use to justify our unhappiness: “I can’t trust because my parents betrayed me,”
“I can’t succeed because I failed before,”
“I can’t be happy because of what happened to me.”
These, they argue, are decisions, not destinies.
This is not denial of suffering; it is reclamation of agency. The philosopher’s message is not “forget your pain,” but “stop making pain your identity.” Pain can inform, but it need not define.
That insight harmonises with my own understanding of growth: that the past only imprisons us when we keep rehearsing it as tragedy instead of re-authoring it as teaching. The real courage is not just to be disliked by others — it’s to stop disliking yourself for your past choices.
All Problems Are Interpersonal
The authors insist that ALL human problems are relational. Loneliness, jealousy, inferiority, even despair — they stem from how we perceive ourselves in relation to others. We suffer when we compare, when we compete, when we measure our worth through someone else’s gaze.
This lens is challenging but clarifying. It reminds us that most suffering comes not from the world itself, but from our interpretation of our position in it. For someone already oriented toward self-responsibility, this insight feels empowering rather than burdensome. It gives shape to an old truth: that peace begins where comparison ends.
What makes this teaching powerful is its practical implication — that happiness is not an abstract ideal but a relational skill. To live well is to relate well: with others, with your work, with your sense of contribution. And that brings us to another pillar of the book.
Contribution Over Recognition
This, to me, is one of the most luminous ideas in the book and compliments my own philosophy that; ‘One of life’s greatest purposes is about adding value to the lives of others!’
“The key to happiness is not being recognized, but feeling that one is contributing.”
How elegantly simple, and how rarely lived. Recognition feeds the ego; contribution nourishes the soul. When you act for contribution — not applause — your life shifts from performance to presence.
I have often felt that joy comes from alignment, from giving what you have in a way that matters. ‘The Courage to Be Disliked’ reinforces that truth. It’s not about detachment from society; it’s about participation without dependence. You offer your work, your care, your authenticity — and you release the outcome. You do the act because it’s right, not because it will be rewarded.
This is the antidote to modern exhaustion: to give without grasping. And in that giving, you paradoxically receive what recognition never gives — quiet contentment.
Horizontal (equal) Relationships – ‘Do NOT Rebuke OR Praise!’
One of the most challenging concepts of Adlerian philosophy is that you should focus on building horizontal relationships where the people in any given relationship are ‘different but equals’. This is instead of the more common ‘horizontal relationships’ which are based on praising people for behaviours they desire and rebuking them for behaviours they do not like, this is the foundation of manipulation that Adlerian philosophy is designed to avoid. A vertical relationship is where you are (usually without intending to) putting people above or below yourself by praising or rebuking them.
The book explains well how this apparent alien approach can work in practice, even when dealing with children, where instead of praising them you can simply thank them and instead of rebuking them you can ‘ask constructive questions and provide constructive advice’.
The Spiritual Core Beneath the Psychology
Although rooted in psychology, the book carries a spiritual pulse. The philosopher’s calm insistence on personal responsibility feels almost monastic. There’s a stoic serenity to it — reminiscent of Marcus Aurelius, yet filtered through a Japanese sense of harmony and simplicity.
At its heart, the book is about awakening — awakening from the illusion that happiness depends on external validation. It’s not self-help in the shallow sense; it’s self-liberation.
This spiritual undercurrent is subtle but unmistakable: freedom is not rebellion; it’s surrender — surrendering the illusion that we can or should control how we’re seen. In that surrender lies immense power. The courage to be disliked, then, is really the courage to be.
On the Separation of Tasks: A Daily Practice
If I had to choose one practice from the book to live by, it would be this: separate tasks.
It is both a philosophy and a technique.
When someone judges you … that’s their task. When someone misunderstands you, that’s their task. Your task is only to act with clarity and integrity. Once you begin to consciously make this distinction, something extraordinary happens: emotional clutter clears. You stop being tossed about by every gust of opinion. You become cantered.
This principle has become one of my personal cornerstones. It teaches compassion as much as autonomy. When I stop trying to control others’ perceptions, I also stop resenting them for not matching mine. Relationships become lighter, more honest. I no longer play referee in other people’s emotional games. That, to me, is peace.
The Subtle Courage of Stillness
Despite its title, ‘The Courage to Be Disliked’ is not about defiance. It’s about stillness. True courage here is quiet, almost invisible. It’s not the courage to shout your truth; it’s the courage to live it, even when no one claps.
This is the kind of courage the world desperately needs — not the noisy bravery of social media virtue, but the silent integrity of alignment. Kishimi and Koga teach us that to live courageously is to act without calculation: to do the right thing simply because it’s right, not because it’s popular.
It’s easy to mistake this for indifference, but it’s the opposite. Indifference is born of numbness; courage is born of clarity. One disconnects, the other connects deeply — but without attachment.
To walk through life disliked, misunderstood, or even unseen and yet content, that is a rare kind of freedom. The book calls us to cultivate it.
A Mirror for the Already Awakened
For those who already live by the principles of authenticity, detachment from approval, and responsibility for one’s own happiness, *The Courage to Be Disliked* doesn’t so much *teach* as it *refines*. It gives language to intuition. It helps you articulate what you’ve long practiced: that truth often costs comfort, that peace is found on the far side of misunderstanding.
And still, it will challenge you — to live even more transparently, to let go even more deeply, to love without possession, and to give without expectation.
Final Reflections
Adler’s philosophies were formulated in the late 1800s and early 1900s and have stood the test of time well.
As I have already alluded to in the work I do with clients who seek the greatest freedoms that exist, which is freedom from the greatest fears so I not only help them to become as comfortable as possible with ‘not being liked’, as is the focus of this book, but I also help them to become as comfortable as possible with their own inevitable death!
“Your life is yours alone, and inner transcendent peace begins the moment you stop trying to get someone else’s approval to live it your way.”
Ultimately this book presents a timeless philosophy about the infinite challenging & fulfilling journey to becoming a more authentic version of yourself!